I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
