Your mouth is God's brothel.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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