You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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