I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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