even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water