I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
