i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
