My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
