I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
