There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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