At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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