12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there's paper in my vomit.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
