So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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