I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.