when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet