I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
