i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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