my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
