I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
