Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
