I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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