he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
