forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
