I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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