Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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