I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
