you traded sex for a burrito?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
