just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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