Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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