the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
