Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
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I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
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You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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