Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
