Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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