Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
