Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
