My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
