Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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