My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
