the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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