Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
