The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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