Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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