as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
