Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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