2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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