I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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