YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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