im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
