I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
