I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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