Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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