Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize