and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
