he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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