I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
