I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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