Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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