So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
