I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
